Leaving B. The thought can send me into a panic, sweaty palms and all. What happened to me? I didn’t used to be like this. I was one of those cool as a cuc moms that would pick up and drop off her baby, toddler, kid with ease. Little to no tears on either end, L would run into whatever place he was left, eager to explore as I headed off to the office.

Then B happened.

And I’m now home full time.

I think it makes a different type of kid, at least in my experience it has. I’ve also been a different type of mom. My sole job is to tend to him, raise him, make sure he is happy, healthy, fed, napped, clean. I’m doing it all, almost all the time, 24/7. A bit of a co-dependency forms. B wants mom and I want to be the one “momming” him. I do it the best, in my mind.

Recently two big things happened that rocked our little world. First, B began a two’s class at a nearby preschool. I could not have been more excited for it to begin, for many reasons. The most being to give B the experience of interacting with kids his age in a setting outside of the home. I felt so often he was just, well, bored of me. Most of our days were spent with him asking when L, Ryder, and ‘Memo‘ would be home. I get it B, they are a lot more fun. 

Fast forward to his first date of school. I felt a deep and utter sense of complete nerves. A huge knot in my stomach; I was even nauseous. What was going on? I was finally going to have 2.25 hours of freedom and all I could think about was that I wanted to keep him home. I felt like I was leaving them my… baby.

Dropping him off was awful, as was expected. This was a huge step for us! I anxiously waited the 20 minutes it took for him to stop crying in the nearby foyer and reluctantly left the school to go walk it out with a great friend. All I wanted to do was go back but I knew this is what he needed. It’s what I needed. Baby steps here. 

A few weeks in now, we still have tears but they are much shorter and fewer and farther between. He’s a very young 2 and I knew this would be challenge for him. I guess what surprised me was the challenge it was for me as a mom. I keep telling myself that only I will remember how hard this felt, the likelihood of him remembering is slim to none. We aren’t doing any permanent damage here (hopefully). 

Just when we were getting into a little groove here, suddenly I had a 5 day trip to California planned. With B’s separation anxiety kicked into even an higher gear with school starting, I had thoughts of staying behind. I just couldn’t leave him. Yet I knew it wasn’t an option – I would go, but a very big piece of me wanted to stay behind. I wanted to keep helping him with this whole transition of school.

So, I did what every logical mother would do and called the pediatrician (I’m being sarcastic here, I probably should have been calling a psychiatrist to get my head examined). I told him of my nerves and fears and angst over leaving B for so long and his response was just what I needed to hear. 

“Courtney, go. I actually would judge you if you didn’t go.”

Thank you. He was so right! I just needed someone other than M – a friend – family – to say it to me.

And with that I looked forward to California in a new light. B would be fine. I would be fine. We would all survive. His doctor told me it was OK! 

And you know what? When I got back it’s like I had never left. B was happy, thriving, and within the first moments of seeing me in the early morning when he woke up he said “I love you.”  And then he proceeded with his little evil laugh that he knows always makes me chuckle hard. 

We were together again.  A new sense of relief has formed, I think he and I both feel it. We can be apart and it all will be fine. In fact, it will be great.

Tell me, have you gone through similar feelings with your little one? I’d love to hear your experience!

Meet our great friend (and cousin!), Becca! As a part of our Motherhood series here on ALFS, she is going to walk us through what it was like having her dashing son, Reid, through a surrogate. There are many love stories that lead to becoming a mom, and I am so thankful to share hers.

1. To begin, can you describe a bit about your journey that lead to surrogacy?

My husband Steve and I knew we wanted to start a family and were excited for it to happen. We tried to be relaxed, have fun, and hoped for our “movie moment” of me puking in public as a sign I was expecting. But it didn’t happen. After a couple years of trying the “old fashioned way” with no luck, we were advised to seek the help of fertility doctors. We were diagnosed with male factor infertility and the doctors were confident fertility treatments would help. However, after a variety of treatments over the course of 3 years, it became clear that my body was not able to carry a pregnancy to term. While we had healthy embryos fertilized through the IVF process (my eggs and my husband’s carefully selected sperm) and I was able to became pregnant via embryo transfer, I suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss.

The sadness with each loss was coupled with incredible frustration; the road to become pregnant was so long and once pregnant my body was unable to sustain the pregnancy. Experiencing such loss was devastating and unbearable. Somehow, with the help of each other, family, and close friends, we continued on, trying to remain hopeful and keeping the faith. We knew our little angels were watching over us, helping us to keep going even though it seemed emotionally and physically impossible.

While preparing for our 7th embryo transfer, our doctor suggested we consider using a surrogate should we experience another loss. More precisely, he suggested we use a Gestational Carrier: a surrogate mother whom we would transfer our genetic embryo into and she would hopefully carry our baby to term, something I was unable to do. After that last transfer, and our fifth miscarriage, Steve and I decided it was time to move forward. Although there was no clear explanation, my body was unable to sustain a healthy pregnancy and our physician felt surrogacy was the next step and would give us the best chance of having a baby.

2. What was it like choosing a surrogate? Were you presented with multiple options?

The process of finding a surrogate was very overwhelming, emotional, and exciting all at once. Based on our physician’s recommendation, we met with several surrogacy agencies in Chicagoland area. We ultimately chose CEO (the Center for Egg Options) to assist us as Intended Parents get matched with a Gestational Carrier (GC).

The agency role is also to assist during the entire pregnancy and to act as a liaison between intended parents and the surrogate. We completed extensive paperwork upon signing up and they presented us with two GC’s they felt would be a good fit for us. We read over both and decided we wanted to meet V. The agency spoke with her and she was interested in meeting us as well. It was like a really odd first date with Nancy, the director of CEO, being the match maker. I was beyond nervous when we were driving to the meeting. And emotional and scared, excited and hopeful all at once. As soon V, her husband, and youngest daughter walked in, my fears were eliminated. We stood up to say hello and she immediately hugged me and said, “I know I can help you have your family.” I teared up and felt we were on the right path.

We continued to talk and get to know each other with Nancy being the moderator. We discussed our life, our fertility journey, our hopes. We got to know V’s family, her experiences being pregnant with her daughters and as a surrogate once prior. We discussed why she decided to become a surrogate. We connected on important issues, and Steve and I knew that our baby would be in a wonderful, loving home during the pregnancy. At the end of the meeting we all knew that this was going to be a good fit, that together we would grow our family.

3. What was it like sharing the news you were expecting via a surrogate? How did those close to you react?

Incredible and totally unbelievable all at once. Some days I still don’t believe it. It seems like a wonderful dream. Our family and closest friends knew we were moving forward with surrogacy, but no one knew besides our parents where we were in the process. After each doctor’s appointment we knew the baby was getting stronger and growing, but we still didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone. One more week. One more appointment. Just wait. It was like we were worried once everyone knew something would go wrong with the pregnancy. After the 20 week ultrasound we finally felt comfortable telling everyone. There was an outpouring of joy and excitement for us and numerous, numerous questions, of course, which we were all too happy to answer.

4. What was your relationship like with V during the pregnancy?

Throughout the beginning of the process and the pregnancy our relationship evolved. We became close while balancing our own lives. We were fortunate enough to live in the same area so we were able to attend every doctor’s appointment with her. Even the short ones. Steve and I wanted to be part of it all. We both anxiously awaited each month’s appointment so we could see her, hear the baby’s heart beat, and the doctor’s update. Yes, your baby is really in there! We needed a lot of reassurance and V and her OB understood that. Each doctor’s appointment often began with a hug for me from the doctor and reminder for Steve to breathe and relax.

Between appointments we would chat and check in regularly. V would also text or call right away with important developments like when he got the hiccups or if she was over feeling nauseous. And the first time he kicked. Amazing. While I couldn’t feel it, I knew he was in there, kicking away, growing strong. She filled me in on everything, answered all of my questions (which were a lot), and I am still so appreciative. While we were expecting a baby and I was over the moon, I was still dealing with the fact that I was not the one carrying the baby. She let me experience it through her. She was open with us and and for that I am forever grateful.

5. How did you prepare for motherhood during those 9 months?

I waited. Very. Patiently. It seemed so unbelievable we were having a baby, and we wanted to hurry up and meet him already! I also had extra time on my hands now that I was no longer going to the doctor everyday for fertility treatments. All we had to do was wait. I had a strict ‘No Google’ rule when it came to pregnancy facts, which merged into a strict “No Pregnancy Books” rule as well. Looking things up and reading about everything made both of us fear the worst and spin into unneeded stress and anxiety. So we stuck to facts from our OB and updates from V. And we waited. And prayed for V and our baby.

We did a lot to distract ourselves to make the time go faster. We went to movies. We went to brunch. Dinner. Explored the city. Went on getaways. We watched a lot of Netflix. We tried to appreciate walking out our door without a stroller or a car seat. But we just ended up talking about how we couldn’t wait to walk out our door, juggling a baby, carseat, and a diaper bag.

At 20 weeks we found out we were having a healthy baby boy. Wow. Knowing the gender helped us to fantasize about our little boy and to connect and bond with him from afar. We finally let ourselves externally prepare with decorating the nursery, washing clothes, folding blankets, and getting in boy mode. We started to purchase all those items we had dreamed about for so long: car seat, crib, glider, stroller… this nesting also helped the time move forward. We were having a baby!

This was also when we told friends and family we were expecting. And the baby shower planning began, something I reluctantly agreed to at first. Wasn’t it strange to go to a shower and the expectant mom doesn’t have a baby bump? Everyone loved to oohh and ahh and touch the belly and I had no physical evidence of our baby who was coming soon. My close family and friends disagreed, they wanted to celebrate the upcoming arrival of our baby and include V, which was so amazing. She happily agreed and it was beyond special to have them there to experience that moment of preparation and celebration with us.

6. What was it like when Reid was born? I’m assuming you, as the mother, were apart of it all?

Incredible. Amazing. Surreal. Steve and I were with V and her husband during the entire birth process. We had hospital rooms right next to each other, and we were in her room the entire labor. I think about the day he was born and still don’t really believe it happened. He was born after 14 hours with the cord wrapped around his neck. Very dramatic entrance. And once he was free and Steve cut the cord, the doctor immediately put him in my arms, and we all sobbed. Steve was next to hold him; normally nervous around babies, he held onto Reid like he had known him forever and in many ways we had. The nurses had to pry him away to clean him off, weigh and measure him. They also reminded me I was allowed to take photos. What? Really? Oh yes, this is my baby! And we haven’t stopped documenting each incredible moment since.

After we held him, V had the chance to hold the little bundle she had been carrying all these months. Over the next two days we spent most of the time with Reid in V’s room. Her daughter met him, brushed his hair, everyone snuggled him, and we all soaked in the joy that came with Reid in our lives. That first night, after our parents left and we enjoyed pizza with V and L in her hospital room, we returned to our room. Steve went right to sleep, exhausted from the whole experience. I stayed up holding Reid, rocking him and saying “I’m your mommy, I’m your mommy, I love you so much” over and over. The nurse came in to check on us at some point in the middle of the night. She encouraged me to put him in the bassinet and to get some sleep. “But we only just met” I replied. And she understood that I needed to just hold him all night long.

7. Will you ever tell Reid about the surrogate?

Yes, Reid will always know V, and her family will always be a special part of ours. Each night before bed, we say our prayers with Reid and thank God for her family and all they have done for us. At some point when we feel he is ready, we will tell him the wonderful story of his birth and how V took care of him because I was unable to. We will tell him of the first time we saw him, how we nicknamed him “Superman” before we knew he was a boy, how we cried when we heard his heart beat, and how he always had the hiccups when he was in her tummy. He will know we have loved him from the very, very beginning. We haven’t determined when that will be, but we will be open with Reid and express how fortunate we are and how amazing it is to have V in our lives.

8. Anything you would tell someone who is thinking about becoming a surrogate? How about to someone who is thinking of using one?

To anyone considering becoming a surrogate, thank you. Thank you for even thinking about helping someone have the family they always dreamed of. It is also a very serious, important decision, so talk to your doctor and meet with an agency; they will walk you through the entire process to determine if it the right path for you and your family.

To anyone thinking about using a surrogate, stay hopeful and strong during your journey. I know that is easier said than done, but it is so vital to keep hope alive. It will keep you going through all the appointments, tests, paperwork, and waiting. So much waiting. Talk with your doctors, meet with surrogacy agencies, and ask a lot of questions. There are so many wonderful options out there and knowing what they are is an important piece of the puzzle. If surrogacy is the right option for you and your family, it is an incredible, amazing experience that will ultimately bring you the greatest love of your life.

Steve and I look back now and can see that each step on our journey to parenthood, no matter how painful, led us right here. Led us to Reid. To our smiling, laughing, growing baby boy. In middle of the night I still check on him. He has slept all night for awhile now, but nonetheless I check. Is he still here? Was this all just a dream? No, he’s here, sleeping away. Incredible. And I go back into my room and count down the minutes until I get to see his giggling face in the morning. We are so so blessed.

Anyone else in tears? Thank you, Becca, for sharing your wonderful story! We couldn’t be happier for your family. Reid is an absolutely perfect addition. 

Meet my great friend, Mary Beth! As apart of our new Motherhood series on ALFS, she is going to walk us through what it was like adopting her two beautiful daughters, Hannah and Eden. There are many love stories that lead to becoming a mom, and I am so thankful to share hers. 

1. Ok, walk us through what it was like getting the call about Hannah.

I have always said that getting the call about Hannah was like whiplash into motherhood. I have known since I was twenty-one years old that getting pregnant would be nearly impossible for me and I have adopted siblings, so it was never a question of IF we would adopt, but when. I was actually in the middle of an IVF cycle when we heard about Hannah. My husband’s aunt knew of a girl who needed to find a home for her baby. She was due in two weeks and was anxious to talk to us. We felt skeptical, nervous, excited, and like this was an out of body experience. We picked up the phone and called the number his aunt had given us. We spoke with Hannah’s birth mom and decided that we wanted to meet. I called a local adoption agency that we had looked into and the ball started rolling very fast. It all made so much sense and seemed so chaotic all at the same time. I was going to be a mom… in a matter of days. It was also Christmas time and my little brother was getting married in Arizona. We felt hectic and crazy and like there wasn’t enough Diet Coke or coffee to get us through the mounds of paperwork we needed to do before she was born, but we also felt a huge sense of peace that this was the baby we had been praying for for so long.

One of my favorite phone calls during that crazy time was actually to Courtney who spilled the beans that she was pregnant with B! We had talked a lot about wanting to grow our families and it was happening for both of us!

2. I can’t imagine the emotions that went through those first few days of her being born. How did you keep it together?

That time with her at the hospital, waiting for her birth mom to sign paperwork was one of the most stressful times in my life. I swear it aged me 10 years. For me, I had to just tap into my faith and remind myself how far we had come in this journey. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just spent every minute of that week praying and trusting. My husband, Josh was a huge source of strength to me as well. We were able to pull together and help each other be strong. When one of us started to feel overwhelmed, the other one would take over and be an anchor. I never would have made it through without him by my side.

3. You’ve raised Hannah to understand a bit about her birth mom. Was that something you wanted to do? Had to do? Is it difficult?

We are very intentional about making sure Hannah knows that her adoption was a love story. Her birth parents loved her so much that they did the most selfless thing possible and chose her happiness over their own. We want her to know that from a young age and always want that to be an open conversation in our home if she ever has questions. We have an open adoption with her birth family and we love it. We send them pictures, talk on the phone, and see them a few times a year. Some people think that is intimidating but for us, it has been healing for everyone. Her birth family gets to see her grow and sees that she is happy and healthy, and we get to have an open relationship with our daughter about where she comes from. We also love her family and we have seen what this adoption has allowed in their lives. Her birth mom was very young when she had her and we have watched her work very hard to make something of herself because she wasn’t home raising a little one. We are secure in the fact that we are her parents, but we want her to feel loved by everyone and to know that we all are willing to do whatever is best for her. As she gets older, we will give her more control over that relationship, but for now it is the perfect balance and we are really grateful that her birth family is willing to be a part of her life.

4. Explain the adoption process of Eden. I’ve heard of couples being on lists for years and years and you got a call for a second within three years. (!!!)

Eden’s adoption process felt like it took a lifetime. After adopting a baby in two weeks, it is hard to go through the normal process of adoption. We worked with an agency in IL, but after waiting for 18 months, we decided that we needed to be more aggressive and proactive with finding a good match for our family. We hired a consultant who delivered (literally!). We were picked 2 months after signing on with the adoption consultant and Eden was born 6 weeks later. There were times that I wish we had made that move a little sooner, but Eden is our baby and the timing was perfect.

5. How did the birth process of Eden vary from what you went through with Hannah?

No two adoptions are the same. With adoption, you are dealing with hearts, feelings, and emotions, and they can change in an instant. You have to work very hard as the adoptive family to be yourself and to care for everyone involved. Hannah’s birth mom was young did not know what to expect from any of this. We spent a lot of our time with her talking about her future and helping to paint a picture for her of what life could be like if she decided not to be a teen mom. We had to be selfless when it came to holding Hannah and showing our excitement about her life because we didn’t want to hurt her birth mom.

Eden’s birth mom was older and had another child. She was aware of what she was going to experience, but also what she could do for me as Eden’s mom. She included us in everything possible. She made sure I was the first person to hold her and feed her. She invited us into the experience and always made a point to make sure we knew were we stood with her. She viewed this adoption as her chance to give life to a family who couldn’t do so on their own. We were able to express more of our excitement and love for Eden around her because she made it very clear that that was a part of her motivation in placing her baby with us.

The experiences were night and day, but both processes were very special as we saw them as a chance to not only grow as a family, but to invest in the lives of these very special women.

6. Were you ever worried about bonding with your girls? Or was it instantly natural for you?

Bonding was something I always worried about. I spent hours reading about bonding with adopted children and I have been very intentional about doing what it takes to make this happen. For instance, we are the only ones who feed our girls for the first year of their lives. Research shows that babies associate being fed with being loved for and having their needs met. We want our girls to see our faces and know that we will provide all of that for them.

Loving them instantly was not a problem at all, but bonding with them was something we have tried to be very intentional about.

7. Do you have advice to give to others seeking adoption?

DO IT. It is not for the weak, but it is so worth it. Adoption is the most beautiful gift in my life and I encourage anyone interested in it to consider it. Opening up your heart and home to a child who needs a good life is rewarding and incredible. It will challenge you and try you, but it will make you stronger and better. I would also strongly advise anyone seeking to adopt to do your research before picking an agency. Make sure that they will be your advocate, that they are actively closing adoptions every year, and that they are professional. There are a lot of organizations out there and not investigating them will cost you both financially and emotionally.

8. Your girls are so completely precious. Can you describe each of them in one word?

Hannah is tenderhearted. She cares for others more deeply than some adults do. She is constantly surprising us with her thoughtfulness and kind heart.

Eden is sweet. She looks at me with those big huge brown eyes and I am hers. She smiles easily, cuddles up close, and just makes you forget all the heartache we’ve experienced to have her in our arms.

Thank you, Mary Beth, for sharing your story with us!

Hi friends! I am so excited. Part of the new change around here will involve posts that showcase all areas of my life, not just food. Motherhood is a huge part of that and I’m so ready to share some of my thoughts, as well as the thoughts of other moms close in my life. Let’s get it started with my take on raising two boys.

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I grew up in a pink house.

Not really, but it was definitely girl world. Barbies, my little ponies, dress up; check – check – check. Classic to a tee, my sisters and my mom over took that house in typical girl fashion. Even the cats were girls. 

After two years of marriage we got the news I was pregnant. Naturally, in my head, it was a girl. What else would it be? I knew nothing of boy world – surely I couldn’t produce a boy.

Wrong.

I’ll never forget reading that small slip of paper written by the doctor outside the restaurant where we were about to enjoy a lovely dinner. BOY. Boy. It was like a foreign word to me. How could I be a mom to a boy? Not only did I not have a brother, but I was always that awkward girl around boys. I never knew how to act – what to say – what to do. Now, I was supposed to raise one?

As time went by the pink slowly faded into blue and my little (ok, big) L was born in October 2006. Big. That was a key word. Not only am I having boys, but I’m having big boys. Heavy, cuddly, healthy, happy, off the chart boys. 

As L’s fat baby rolls disappeared into toddlerhood, I learned some very key things about these mysterious creatures. They don’t really sit, at all. L began walking late, around 18 months or so. He skipped the few steps here and there stage and began a full out sprint and I didn’t sit down for a year and a half. I have memories of other moms at the pool lounging with their little girls while I was racing onto the golf course in attempt to catch L. 

The high energy is a given, for sure. Another thing I noticed was the innate desire to throw, hit, deconstruct. It was never about building a tower, it was about knocking it over and making the loudest and biggest mess possible. Everything is a ball, always and forever, amen. Sticks are made to be wild weapons that will be run through the yard while screaming on the top of one’s lungs.

Now this is key – I’ve learned, there is no taming it. You can only guide as best you can, discipline the truly important stuff, and hope and pray throughout each and every day you don’t end up in the ER.

L mellowed out a bit around age 4. The boy boy is still there for sure, but it’s been reigned in a bit. A bit more dignified boy, if you will. Except when he’s on the football field.

Then comes along pregnancy #2. Deep into blue, I was actually hoping for another boy. I was young. I could keep up, right? Once in awhile I’d get suckered into the darling floral print dresses on Etsy or the thought of designing a room for a little girl, but those thoughts were quickly whisked away at 13 weeks pregnant when the doctor weighed in – she was 90% sure it was a boy. At 20 weeks it was confirmed. 

And suddenly, I was a mom of two (big) boys. Maybe this one would be calmer. A bit more refined from the start.

It’s funny just to read that sentence. The other morning I chased B down the street 13 times while he flew away on his scooter. What if he fell over? What if a car came? What if he ran off the road into the nearby swamp? None of these thoughts crossed his carefree mind, summer blonde hair blowing in the wind. They were all going through my head as I sprinted after him, over and over and over again. 

There is no stopping his energy. If anything, it’s more intense than L’s ever was. He’s trying to keep up, naturally. And boy is he ever, and he’s kicking my butt in the process. My primary goal with B – and L – is to run them. Run them until they can’t run anymore. Into bed they go at 8:00, and onto the couch I go by 8:10. 

Boys are exhausting. Exhausting. Boys are so weird. They smell. They hit. They end up in the ER. Boys are obsessed with sticks, balls, butts, and forts. They are intense. If they are awake, they are moving. Watching a movie consists of flipping oneself on the couch, over the couch, off the couch, halfway on/halfway off the couch. I don’t think L sat and watched an entire show, sitting even somewhat still, until he was 7.

Boys also love to cuddle. Even to this day L wants to sit on me, all 70 pounds of him. Then of course B gets jealous and the wrestling begins all over again. I just hope I can get out of the way in time. Ten minutes later someone is always crying and it’s usually L. Two minutes later they are back at it like nothing happened; so is the cycle of boys. 

When all is said and done with this great amount of energy comes an incredible drive to, simply put, love life. It’s wonderful and inspiring to watch. Every day. I hope I can continue to guide it well but also, continue to let it be. Because honestly? Boys, in all their glory, completely rock.