Leaving B. The thought can send me into a panic, sweaty palms and all. What happened to me? I didn’t used to be like this. I was one of those cool as a cuc moms that would pick up and drop off her baby, toddler, kid with ease. Little to no tears on either end, L would run into whatever place he was left, eager to explore as I headed off to the office.
Then B happened.
And I’m now home full time.
I think it makes a different type of kid, at least in my experience it has. I’ve also been a different type of mom. My sole job is to tend to him, raise him, make sure he is happy, healthy, fed, napped, clean. I’m doing it all, almost all the time, 24/7. A bit of a co-dependency forms. B wants mom and I want to be the one “momming” him. I do it the best, in my mind.
Recently two big things happened that rocked our little world. First, B began a two’s class at a nearby preschool. I could not have been more excited for it to begin, for many reasons. The most being to give B the experience of interacting with kids his age in a setting outside of the home. I felt so often he was just, well, bored of me. Most of our days were spent with him asking when L, Ryder, and ‘Memo‘ would be home. I get it B, they are a lot more fun.
Fast forward to his first date of school. I felt a deep and utter sense of complete nerves. A huge knot in my stomach; I was even nauseous. What was going on? I was finally going to have 2.25 hours of freedom and all I could think about was that I wanted to keep him home. I felt like I was leaving them my… baby.
Dropping him off was awful, as was expected. This was a huge step for us! I anxiously waited the 20 minutes it took for him to stop crying in the nearby foyer and reluctantly left the school to go walk it out with a great friend. All I wanted to do was go back but I knew this is what he needed. It’s what I needed. Baby steps here.
A few weeks in now, we still have tears but they are much shorter and fewer and farther between. He’s a very young 2 and I knew this would be challenge for him. I guess what surprised me was the challenge it was for me as a mom. I keep telling myself that only I will remember how hard this felt, the likelihood of him remembering is slim to none. We aren’t doing any permanent damage here (hopefully).
Just when we were getting into a little groove here, suddenly I had a 5 day trip to California planned. With B’s separation anxiety kicked into even an higher gear with school starting, I had thoughts of staying behind. I just couldn’t leave him. Yet I knew it wasn’t an option – I would go, but a very big piece of me wanted to stay behind. I wanted to keep helping him with this whole transition of school.
So, I did what every logical mother would do and called the pediatrician (I’m being sarcastic here, I probably should have been calling a psychiatrist to get my head examined). I told him of my nerves and fears and angst over leaving B for so long and his response was just what I needed to hear.
“Courtney, go. I actually would judge you if you didn’t go.”
Thank you. He was so right! I just needed someone other than M – a friend – family – to say it to me.
And with that I looked forward to California in a new light. B would be fine. I would be fine. We would all survive. His doctor told me it was OK!
And you know what? When I got back it’s like I had never left. B was happy, thriving, and within the first moments of seeing me in the early morning when he woke up he said “I love you.” And then he proceeded with his little evil laugh that he knows always makes me chuckle hard.
We were together again. A new sense of relief has formed, I think he and I both feel it. We can be apart and it all will be fine. In fact, it will be great.
Tell me, have you gone through similar feelings with your little one? I’d love to hear your experience!
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Courtney
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Hannah went to daycare since the age of six weeks to six years of age to the same place. A wonderful woman who had a Montessori type day care. So since that was all she knew, she never had a problem going there.
Until kindergarten. She went to all day kindergarten and I had a train to catch to go to work, so I really didn’t have a choice to linger when I dropped her off.
She turned her head and cried so hard, it broke my heart. This happened every day for a week, until on Friday, the teacher sent a note home that said “Hannah now stops crying by the time she hangs up her coat.” I had visions of her sobbing for hours, so that was a relief!
Fast forward 22 years, and my daughter is the most independent person I know, and I love it!
Biz recently posted…Getting Back in the Game
Great story ( and I have seen it first hand), so great to hear a mom admit that it’s not only the child with the issue its partially us as well, but of course who wants to admit that, thanks for sharing, and being brave to admit your side. And more importantly making me laugh as I read it, you manage to make serious stories funny!
Twitter: charminglyuncmp
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Oh boy. Yes, to all of this. We debate all the time about nature vs. nurture. The best thing I ever heard someone say was that her kids are the way they are in part because that’s who they are and in part because she made them that way. How true is that?! J is super clingy too and I’m not even home with her BUT I’ve definitely “made her” that way nights and weekends since I pretty much refuse to get a babysitter after being gone all week so its what she expects. I’m ok with it but I honestly don’t know if I would feel different if I was with her all the time!
My third child kept crying every single time I would drop her off at a daycare. She was 18 months when she started. She grew out of by age 3 or so. I had no choice but leave her– I had to have a job (I was a single mother of three then). It was a very difficult time for us both.
Now I have a two year old, and I would like to work outside the home though I don’t have to. But every time I think about leaving her in a daycare, I have a very distinct feeling that she is not ready, that she is much better off at home with me for right now.
I think this is a very personal decision, and every mom and every child are unique.
Mila recently posted…Effective no-spanking discipline system: “3W”s
I totally agree Mila! I love that I have the option to be home with B most of the time as I do feel it’s what he needs. Having that choice is never lost on me – it’s a big deal!