‘Darling, I understand. Being a young mother can be overwhelming, even with help. You sit with your child at the end of the day, you’re exhausted, and you don’t even know what you did. And everything you do seems wrong. It can be hard to accept those are the definitions.’ – Madmen Season 7 episode 4.
I like doing this – checking in on myself and my littles from year to year. Mother’s day, I feel, is not only about celebrating your own mother but also reflecting on the year you’ve had mothering your own. Everything changes from year to year, right? I’ve gone from L hanging out with me a lot to being gone most of the day and even when he arrives home, he is mostly outside until dinner time. And B has grown from chubby newborn to chubby baby to chubby toddler who I’m just doing my best to keep up with. Oh yes, what a year it has been.
Let’s start with L. Tears come to my eyes when I try and think of the words to say about what this kid means to me. I love so much about him. I love his leadership personality; this kid is first born to a tee. I love how obsessed he is with sticks. I love that he brings home killer report cards and cares about nursing homes and at the end of a jam packed day will still ask, ‘so, what are we doing next?’ I love that he chants cheers for his teammates from the dugout and likes to rock a mohawk on the football field, just to ‘appear taller’ (just what he needs). This kid can test my patience many times throughout the day but then will throw out a comment like ‘ok mom, I know dad is traveling, I will take it easy on you.’ All the while I know he’s just buttering me up to let him sleep with me, which I always do. In fact, I often would go to bed early just to sleep with him longer. Thank you L for being my son, buddy, and little friend this year when so often, especially this winter, I’ve felt alone. I will never forget our polar vortex vacuum races and Full House rerun sessions. Here’s to summer dude, this is your season.
And then there’s B. Oh B. He blows me away with his interest in sports. I have a photo of him, at not even 2 months, grasping a mini football and little has changed since. It’s the first thing he does in the morning after his milk – run for the bucket of balls. How does B welcome guests to our home? Well, he chucks a ball at them. He is super intense and does not want to miss a beat, especially when it comes to L. We have to do fake homework every day when L is doing his. I have to attend L’s sports events armed with balls, bats, mitts, etc. just so he can be like big brother, but he still wants L’s bat, because…..well, it’s L’s. B is the fluffiest thing in the world to cuddle with and refuses to talk (consistently) but will make many animal noises no problem. He has grown into a toddler bursting with personality who has been a different kid since the weather has turned, and like his big brother, is in the yard or woods surrounded by friends until the sunsets. Wavy hair and cheeks that jiggle when he runs – I don’t want those ever to go away.
And then there’s me. What can I say? Parenting 24/7 can be hard. Like, really hard. The emotions that go into mothering can be so extreme and often in such a short span of time. One minute you’re thinking, ‘ok, this kid is possessed – I’m about to drive him to the firehouse (often while teething) and the next he comes over with his blankie and kisses you and points to the couch to cuddle. All of that can happen in a 5 minute span and can repeat throughout the day….every day. Throw in a traveling husband and the worst winter ever, and well, there were some maddening moments and yet some moments I would pause if I could. Good and bad. Up and down. Constantly. Forever, right? Because being a mom never stops. It’s a choice you choose to make for the rest of your life. I could not imagine my life without my two boys, I’m pretty sure it’s why I’m around. And I hope to be the best one possible for them all the while taking it a bit easier on myself because hey, I know I am trying my absolute hardest here.
Here’s to my wonderful mom, to all my friends who are wonderful mothers, and to all the moms…to trying our best at raising the biggest blessing we could ever hope for. You’re doing a great job.