Things will be a bit different this week. I’m taking a day off of the OCD planning, writing, and shopping that entails C’s picks. It feels good.
Come Monday I’m sure I will wake up in a deep panic that I have nothing planned for the kitchen this upcoming week but that is Monday and today is today.
I’m only 6 and 1/2 years into this whole motherhood thing, a mere novice, but I do have to say a few things. Everyone says motherhood changes you and I could not agree more. There is absolutely no way to explain it or understand it other than to experience it. You are blessed with this tiny and helpless baby and you realize, wow. What did I do?
Of course you love the baby. But it is all so scary. I remember thinking as I was leaving the hospital after having L – they are trusting me to keep him alive? I’m only 25 here and need to talk to my own mother a few times a day. What am I doing?
You then realize you are on your own. Yes you may have a supportive husband and/or family but when it boils down to it there is nothing like a connection between a mother and a child. Your heart literally is their heart and it is the most frightening thing in the world to have it beating around outside your body every. single. day. Sometimes when I think about it – well, it hurts to breathe.
That baby eventually grows up a bit as you’ve figure out exactly what you should be doing because you are mom. That baby that needs you for everything suddenly has manners (most of the time), excels in an activity or two, can read (I die…really? I have a child that can read?!), write, make himself a snack, and shower all by himself. Where did the years go?
Then, if you are blessed enough, round 2 begins and it starts all over again. Although, it’s a bit different this time around. I’m 6 years older which is helpful on so many levels and I have an established track record. I’ve kept one kid alive – yippee! I can do this with B. The confidence kicked in the first time he was handed to me in the hazy recovery room.
Then the morphine wears off and you remember, oh yea – I have another one at home. Juggling two kids at first seems impossible – I remember mere weeks after my c-section walking to the (too far) bus stop attempting to push a stroller while carrying B who was breastfeeding. I was still recovering myself and in pain, B was crying because he was starving, and as I patiently waited for the big kid bus to pull up I joined B and began to cry myself. I wanted so badly to be so happy to see L run off that bus and hear all about his day but all I could focus on was my crying newborn. And then I began to cry even more because I felt guilty to feel that way and I knew from that point forward my relationship as a mom to L will always be different. And that made me sad. I’m sure the bus driver was hesitant to let L off to me at that point…what a sight.
Well, things happened though as time moved on. B began to sleep (a little bit) better and our schedule got a little bit more routine. I gained more confidence when it came to being a mom of two and the (very different) energy both my boys demanded of me gradually settled into exactly where it needed to be. Of course we have imbalanced days (who doesn’t?) but I can say at 6 & 1/2 years in…well, we have a pretty good thing going on here.
It’s like my favorite picture (above) to date of the three of us shows. We are all out, dressed (no stains!), happy, healthy, and just…chill. I could not ask for anything more and if I could freeze that exact moment forever I would. You hear it again and again – little kids, little problems – big kids, big problems. So what if B’s nap is interrupted by the landscapers or if L has a meltdown over something as silly as, ugh…I don’t even know. If I could stop time right now I would in a heartbeat because it is just beyond precious to me. The innocence of it all…
I can’t imagine that it gets better – and yet, I think it just might.
Happy Mother’s Day to You!
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