Someone recently sent me Jen Hatmaker’s Mother’s Day speech at Willow Creek church. So much of it struck home with me, like basically every part. She has this sort of free range view on motherhood which I could not relate to more. She loves her boys to boys. She loves them ‘rough and tumbled and dirty and dumb.’
Not like, actually dumb. But dumb with their weird kid ideas.
You know what I’m talking about, right?
The other day I came outside to B driving his tractor down the road while pulling L, who was riding a scooter that had been attached to the tractor via two brooms. Yep.
Kid dumb. And I love it. I love it so much that I don’t step in, even though my two year old is driving down the road. (To be fair, he generally knows the rules and boundaries and we live on a quiet(ish) street). But still. A large part of me knows this won’t end well, as it generally doesn’t, but I’m giving them the space to work it out on their own. Sure enough B drove off the road and L went flying into the woods, but so is the world of boys I’ve come to expect.
Then Jen hit me with this:
In our time, in our generation, this thing we do – micromanaging every last detail in striving for some inventive perfect life where our kids never have to struggle and never have to fail. You know what it is? It’s a shame. The whole thing is a shame. Not only is that the illusion of control but I truly believe we are doing a disservice to our kids to sanitize their lives and cushion every blow.
Hallelujah.
Micromanaging kids stresses. me. the. heck. out. Look, we can’t – we shouldn’t – be on top of our kids all day every day. It’s an unrealistic goal to set and will do nothing but drive you to a loony bin and your kids to God knows where. I’m a firm believer that my boys need space from me to be able to grow into themselves. Some of their best play time is when I’m not in sight, hiding in the corner. I get a kick out of listening from afar, hearing problems come up, and watching them figure out solutions.
Sometimes it’s B wailing outside because he fell, like always, and big brother L will come running to the rescue.
Sometimes it’s the occasional friend issue at school. Instead of trying to fix it, I listen to what L will tell me, and I let it play out. I don’t try to solve it or dig deeper. I show L that I have the confidence in him to figure it out, which he typically does.
I’ve had friends over and my boys have just run out the front door and my friends instantly panicked. Where are they going? What are they doing? You’re just ok with letting them… leave?
I shrug. Well, I can’t tell you exactly for sure what they are up to but generally, they fend pretty well for themselves. And they (basically) know the boundaries, even the 2 (almost 3!) year old, and it typically ends with B coming home in tears over some drama that occurred during the neighborhood play. ‘Ryder was meeeeeean to me. L was meeeeeean to me. I want my ballllllllllll.’ Ok then.
Of course there are moments to step in. The letter home from school, the tears over not making the team, taking off on their bikes alone without helmets, etc., but overall I’m sticking with the old school theory of raising kids vs. parenting them.
My boys will have the freedom to move, to breathe, to think, and most importantly, to fail and make mistakes all on their own independent of mom and dad. I will be there to pick up the pieces and guide them from there but I truly believe that it’s all about that space that leads to some pretty kick-ass kids, and fingers crossed, adults.
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Courtney
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Twitter: dedastudios
says:
I totally get the dumb play! That is what being a kid is all about. I believe in letting kids be kids – no micromanaging. That is how I raised my kids and I am proud to say my daughter is raising her kids the same way.
Debbie L. recently posted…Rodales Organic Life
Twitter: loisaltermark
says:
I completely agree. We need to stop being helicopter parents. We’re not doing our kids any favors by enabling them and handling everything for them.
Lois Alter Mark recently posted…fun days in the hyundai accent!
I totally agree. I think we should let kids just be kids.
Twitter: SavingCmnCents
says:
Several of your comments resonate with me as a parent. I especially love the idea of not “sanitizing” our kid’s lives. They need to know that it’s not always fair or fun, that there will be obstacles and trials…and that they can handle it.
Jessica Harlow recently posted…Enter to win a 4 pack of mesh & lace bath poufs from Shower Bouquet!
I agree, my husband and I have 5 kids. It is not possible to micromanage. Parenting yes. Kids will make mistakes and we need to let them in reason because how are they supposed to learn from them.
Mama to 5 BLessings recently posted…Summer Pool Time Fun N’ Play With SwimWays #IC #SwimWays
Twitter: illustratedmom
says:
I love the style of parenting you use! I should try to implement more of that in my own life with my own kids. Thank you for sharing!
Twitter: stayclosetohome
says:
With three kids it is nearly impossible to micromanage them. Plus I feel they dont learn what they need.
maria clostohome recently posted…Help Support SCLERODERMA #HardWord, #Scleroderma #IC
I don’t have kids but have witnessed all types of parenting. Those that are constantly on top of their littles are the ones that seem the most stressed out, and honestly? They are the ones that have kids that act the most insane. Shit happens. You can’t always be there to kiss EVERY boo-boo. And most of the time, it’s just a child being dramatic anyways.
I don’t ever remember my parents watching us. I know they were around, but they sent us outside and watched from a distance….maybe. But if we were rude to an elder, or hurt each other? You bet your ass we were getting spanked and grounded.
Tia G. recently posted…Staying Fit: When you’re feeling down, take a photo
Such a fine line to be crossed. You want your children to be safe but you don’t want to smother them with too much protection. Sometimes it’s hard to know which way to go.
Couldn’t agree more! Kids need go be kids and I try to make sure that no happens with mine!
Twitter: &adventireswith4
says:
I totally agree with Helene Cohen Bludman.
It’s important to keep our kids safe but we need to let kids be kids.
The world is such a different place from when I was a kid.
The neighbourhood was our playground and somewhere along the way we were fed and watered and we all came home safe.
We weren’t scheduled to death either.
Sometimes this is the way to learn. Good parenting sometimes the kids need to figure out what to do.
Debbie Denny recently posted…A Collecting Addiction – Time to Let it GO!
Twitter: hautepeople
says:
I have to admit… not micromanaging other people is hard as it is done because you want the best for them. As humans we are both strong and weak … so as long as it’s for the good …it’s all good
I couldn’t agree more. I think some parents try to protect and manage their kids so much that their kids act no longer like kids.
Twitter: girlgonemom
says:
My 3 year old followed his sister in the road the other day. That’s one area where I have to helicopter.
Heather recently posted…Real Agent Guard for Agent Safety
Twitter: irishred02
says:
I try not to micromanage because I want them to grow and do on their own
Ashley @irishred02 recently posted…10 Reasons Why I LOVE Summer it’s Finally Here!
Twitter: Fidoseofreality
says:
It really is a fine line: wanting them to be protected and safe but not smothered.
Carol Bryant recently posted…Super Sized Pet Blogger Summer Giveaway
Twitter: LauraT_Funk
says:
Thank GOD for parents like you. I too strive to allow my kids to struggle and learn from those struggles. As a teacher I just can’t even with parents who are consistently on top of their kids and not allowing them to work through situations on their own.
Laura Funk recently posted…Surviving Infertility and Finding Success #TTC #Sponsored
I just read a book about this – letting our kids play outside and independent thinking. It is the way to go for sure.
Krystal recently posted…Strawberry Kiwi Summer Dessert
Twitter: anniestow
says:
I believe in balance of both ends. I let my kids play outside and they are earning my trust, but I still keep a keen eye on them when they are in their social circles to be sure everyone is being kind and considerate. I hardly ever have to get involved, but we get to have lots of great conversations later about how to avoid certain situations (i.e., when a friend is IN your face and can’t figure out the boundaries) I do agree though, the helicoptering is extreme!
Annie {Stowed Stuff} recently posted…This Week On YouTube
Twitter: wheelchairmommy
says:
I’ve always been pretty good at giving my kids space. It’s not always easy but it works.
Priscilla – the wheelchair mommy Hedlin recently posted…Nathan’s NF1 story summarized
What a great post! Space is such a hard thing to give kids. As a mom I have to literally hold myself back sometimes from intervening when my kids are dealing with things. But it is necessary.
Tonya C recently posted…FREE Birthday Party Printables Designed Exclusively for Jelly Belly
Twitter: bonbonrosegirls
says:
Great post and perspective. Its interesting to see how kids play and work things out without too much interjection from parents and adults.